If you had been subscribed to our mailing list by last Monday, you would have noticed our competition to win one of two double passes to the Art & Copy screening we’re hosting on April 26. The entry details were simple: send us your best “I can’t afford tickets to film screenings because I need to eat in order to survive” recipes.

Thank-you to everyone who entered — we love you unconditionally. Although you all steal way too much food from flatmates, housemates, parents and others in general, you pack of rotten thieves — we’ll never live with you.

The two winning entries were chosen for their usefulness and detail. Not to mention these guys are funny. Get cookin’ y’all!

Recipe One: STIR FRY, by Janneke.

No matter how broke you are, no matter how empty or mouldy your fridge, or rat-invested your pantry, always keep a few of those 2-minute noodles tucked away somewhere. I’m not talking about Maggi noodles from the pasta section of Woolies, I’m talking about those Asian ones with Chinese writing that you can buy for 49c each at the mini-mart down the road.

Boil up those noodles – maybe 2 packets, cos that’s the bulk of your carb fix. Then comes the fun bit. Finding leftovers for the fry. The end of the broccoli? YES! Is that stinky ham? YES, it won’t kill you if it’s cooked! Half an onion? OK! One stray spring onion? Clove of garlic? Half a capsicum? All good!

Turn the heat up in the fry pan, heat with oil. Throw all ya bits ‘n’ bobs in and cook until everything is soft and steamy so all bacteria is history. Toss in the noodles. And for the finishing touch add some sauce action, mix in Oyster sauce, soy sauce, and some chilli paste for extra pang.

Bon appétit!

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Recipe Two: MACARONI CHEESE, by Josh Gardiner (http://joshgardiner NULL.wordpress NULL.com/).

I’ve been skint many a time. There is no better ‘feelgood’ meal than macaroni cheese.

It’s cheap, it’s easy and it’ll keep you full for two days.

Loose list of ingreds:

- Some plain white flour – weevils optional.

- Some butter, salted. Homebrand costs about $1.29. That’s pretty cheap when you consider a cow’s teat has been pulled for it. Poor thing.

- Some milk. Full cream, you pussy. Again, think about the cow. Would she want you to dilute her mother’s milk?

- A block of mature cheddar. The sharper the better.

- Some macaroni ­ little elbows not those rigatoni, broadband-cable like ones.

- Some of your flatmate’s seeded mustard.

Method:

Do you know how to make a white sauce? I can come around and help if you want. But I’ll try and let you know with words.

1. Get a saucepan, medium size.

2. Melt a large knob of butter in there on a very low heat.

3. Sift in some flour to this, mixing all the while, to make a relatively thick paste. Lots of butter is good to start with so that you can do this.

4. You’ll need to start adding milk slowly while stirring this paste, do it slowly as you want to control the consistency of the sauce. Keep it thick as long as you can and SLOWLY stretch it out.

5. As it thickens keep adding a little more milk until you have a good amount of sauce and at the thickness you want to submerge the pasta in
later. You can add more flour as you go to make more sauce if it’s gotten really thin and it’s still not enough quantity of it. Just be sure to sift
it when you add it and stir constantly so you don’t get lumps. Really, the best thing to do is make sure you’ve got a fair bit of paste at the
beginning. P.S. Add away, but remember, too much flour will taste, well, like flour.

6. When you’re happy with it, grate the shit out of that block of cheese and put it all in the your white sauce. (Actually, save a little bit of that cheese… More on that later.) Melt it down and turn off for now.

7.  Boil some water in a pot and cook the macaroni. You shouldn’t need help for that so I won’t say more.

8. Combine the macaroni with the sauce in whatever pot is easiest, adding a hearty dollop of seeded mustard and pepper and a touch of salt if you need.

9. Turn on the oven grill, put your creamy cheesy meal in a baking tray and sprinkle that remaining cheese on top and toast the top up. Shit yeah.